Santa Jokes 2

In an African Safari,A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE-Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA-Yes Yes.I'm changing d battery of my camera..


A man to Santa:
Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.
Santa rushes home and came back within
half an hour and slapped the man
and said:
"He's not my friend."


Santa:
Major Rohail told me T.V cabel is not good for kids,
they don't study,so i got rid of it

Banta: Good?
Santa: Now we have a Dish Installed


A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell,
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies,
I'm coming daily since 4 days,
I press the bell but no one comes out.


Santa cuts sides of the capsule
before taking it?
Guess why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To avoid the side effects!


Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him.
Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?
Because the bank's slogan was:
We make your dreams come true...


Pappu while filling up a form:
What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!

Santa Jokes

An englishman and santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where..


After an accident, a very angry driver says: I showed you the headlights and told you to move to the side, right?
Santa: I also started the wipers and said No... No... No


Teacher: If I saw a man beating a dog and stopped him then what virtue would i be showing?
Santa: Brotherly love.


Santa: Knock Knock!
Banta: Who's there?
Santa: Luke
Banta: Luck who?
Santa: 'Luke' through the key hole and you'll know who?


Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!


Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa You'll die.
Santa: You'll die bcoz haven’t u heard train is coming on platform.


Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.


Santa giving exam while standing at the door.
A man asked "Why are you standing at the door?"
Santa: "Idiot, I am giving entrance test."

Funny SMS Jokes Page 1

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World's Smallest resignation letter?
Respected sir,
I love ur wife.


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A girl says to her boyfriend, One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy says thanks for the warning!

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Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!


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Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.


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Dad to Son : When I beat u how do u control your anger.
son: I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean with ur tooth brush.


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Dying husband: I have something to tell you. Wife: Don't speak, just rest. 
Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you.


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Husband asks, do u know the meaning of wife.
It means... - without - information - fighting - everytime!
Wife on hearng this says, it could also mean - with idiot for ever!

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Whats the difference between Data and Information?
362436 - Data
36-24-36 Information!..

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KISS is purely organic and naturally sweet, has no artificial ingredients and is 100% wholesome...Here's one for you...MMWAAAH! Have a nice day!


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I love 3 things! The sun, the Moon and U! The Sun for the Day, the Moon for the night, and You forever!

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Thought for the night: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain and that's where you get shitty ideas. Have a nice fart!


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Never ignore kids

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."



The way to reach Heaven

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa..

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny

Only One Job Left

An mexican man goes to the job centre looking for a job… ” We’ve only one job. It’s at Billy Smarts Circus as a lion tamer”  woman said at the job centre.


“I can’t do that” says Paddy “It’s easy, just go down there and Billy will take you through it” woman replied…
So , the next day Paddy goes down to the circus, go in the cage and Billy will takes Paddy through step-by-step. Three enourmous lions come towards Paddy… “Crack the whip” Billy says “Crack the whip” So Paddy cracks it and they continue approaching. “Hurray ..what do I do” “Crack it twice, That always works” So he cracks it twice. Lions continue coming… Paddy instructs ” Go in the corner and pick up th sh*t” “Where, There is none” paddy replies “There will be” Replied Billy.


Most Hazardous Section in Hospital


A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Top 20 Funny Oneliners

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.   
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.   
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..   
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.    
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.   
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?    
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.    
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.        
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.    
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.   
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.   
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.        
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.   
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.    
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Resolutions You Would be Tempted to Keep

For those who are scared of making resolutions here are some resolutions they would actually be tempted to keep!!

• Spend more time watching TV / movies.
• Chat more over phone / Internet.
• Read less.
• I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more less time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

Funny New Year Resolutions

Check out these funny and innovative New Year's Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself...Surely you will enjoy!!

• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  
  
• I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  
  
• I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
  
  
• I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  
  
• I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
  
  
• Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  
  
• I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
  
  
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
  
  
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  
  
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  
  
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
  
  
• I will think of a password other than "password."
  
  
• I will not tell the same story at every get together.
  
  
• I won't worry so much.
  
  
• I will cut my hair.
  
  
• I will grow my hair.
  
  
• I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
  
  
• I will be more imaginative.
  
  
• I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
  
  
• I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

New Year Jokes

Quit smoking
A friend asks his friend for a cigarette.
His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking".
The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.
What's phase one?
I've quit buying.



New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.  During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.  He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'  He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

A New Year Dream

Aishwarya was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Abhishek, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Abhishek smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Abhishek approached Aishwarya and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.