13 Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Male Female

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

 

"Hunting flies," He responded. 

"Oh, killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? 

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

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A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

”I think you're bad luck."


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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"

From the Late Show with David Letterman

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask

Clever Daughter

A person's daughter took admission in a college and was to live in a co-ed dormitory. The person was very worried and warned her daughter that she would die if she ever found out that her daughter had male visitors in her room.

One Friday night, the person kept on calling her daughter's dormitory. She was not there. The person got worried. Finally at 1 o'clock she got hold of her daughter and asked angrily, 'Where were you?'

'Mom, I was visiting a boy's room, so that his mother dies and not you.'

Dream Girl

A young man finds his dream girl and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'
The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'
'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

What is Tragedy?

One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School.

He asks the teacher what the children are studying and  she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies.

So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after  a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident."

Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."

"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an  accident and I know it's not a great loss."

To Make All Happy

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course,  then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."