Top 20 Funny Oneliners

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.   
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.   
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..   
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.    
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.   
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?    
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.    
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.        
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.    
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.   
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.   
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.        
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.   
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.    
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.