Top 20 Funny Oneliners

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.   
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.   
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..   
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.    
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.   
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?    
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.    
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.        
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.    
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.   
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.   
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.        
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.   
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.    
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Resolutions You Would be Tempted to Keep

For those who are scared of making resolutions here are some resolutions they would actually be tempted to keep!!

• Spend more time watching TV / movies.
• Chat more over phone / Internet.
• Read less.
• I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more less time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

Funny New Year Resolutions

Check out these funny and innovative New Year's Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself...Surely you will enjoy!!

• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  
  
• I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  
  
• I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
  
  
• I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  
  
• I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
  
  
• Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  
  
• I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
  
  
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
  
  
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  
  
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  
  
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
  
  
• I will think of a password other than "password."
  
  
• I will not tell the same story at every get together.
  
  
• I won't worry so much.
  
  
• I will cut my hair.
  
  
• I will grow my hair.
  
  
• I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
  
  
• I will be more imaginative.
  
  
• I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
  
  
• I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.