Laloo at Bar
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
Laloo as Model
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo.
Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !! Laloo, third from left!
Laloo's Clock
Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don't Laugh). As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Yamraj answered, "Those are lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a LieClock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
" "Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is that?"
That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie."And whose clock is that?"
That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"
"Laloo's clock is in my office", replied yamraj, "I'm using it as a ceiling fan.
Wait or Weight
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
Laloo's Family Planning Policy
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
Laloo wants to know time difference
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las vegas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
Laloo's Proposal
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
Laloo solved jigsaw puzzle
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he_d been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT_S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS - FOR 4-7YRS".
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sardar Jokes Page 10
Santa Banta in London
Santa went to Banta s house and said, “Oye Banteya, lets go to London”
Banta replied “Yes Santa, par mainu English nahin aandi” (I can t speak English)
Santa assures Banta that his English skills are better than average, and that he d take care of him in London. Santa and Banta reach London, and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road!
A Gori Mem(blonde) pulls up behind them in her Austin Princess and starts of in English …… Oh Man! ,,, You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don t you have any regard For the traffic rules in this country … etc.. etc..
Santa turns around, looks at the Gori Mem, and Starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk Pace.
“To the Principal, Government High secondary school, Village Noorpur, Post Office Noorpur, Tehsil Jalandhar, District Jalandhar, Punjab, India. Sir … I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday, and my Phamily doctor has recomended bed rest! …. Please grant me two days sick leave. Yours Obediently …. Santa.”
The Gori is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa, and quitely gets into her car and leaves.
Banta is amazed. He runs up to Santa and says “Oye Santa, tu taan phate chak dite”! Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke” (You put that gori back in her place, your English sounds better than hers)
Santa Shrugs off Banta and says: “oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin, je jaada tain tain kardi na …. mainu Thirsty Crow te Greedy Daag Dono aande se dono suna dene se” (that was only a sample, if she would have stuck around I would have recited thirsty crow and Greedy dog for her as well).
Landing Problem
Once Santa and Banta try to land an airplane in the States. They start descending and as they touch the ground Santa screams, the runway is ending…”.
Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air… They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Santa screams again “Get the plane up, the runaway is ending…”.
Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air… They make a big turn and start descending again… This goes on again and again…
During their fourth descent Santa says : “Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..”,
“I know” answers Banta, “But look how wide they made it….”
Alive or Dead
Banta and Santa were working on a roof, when Banta slipped and fell to the ground. Santa leaned over and called out:
“Are you dead or alive, Banta?”
“Alive,” moaned Banta.
“You are a liar. I donot know whether to believe you or not,” said Santa
“Then I must be dead,” said Banta, “because you wouldn't dare call me a liar if I were alive.”
Santa in Archery Contest
Santa went to Banta s house and said, “Oye Banteya, lets go to London”
Banta replied “Yes Santa, par mainu English nahin aandi” (I can t speak English)
Santa assures Banta that his English skills are better than average, and that he d take care of him in London. Santa and Banta reach London, and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road!
A Gori Mem(blonde) pulls up behind them in her Austin Princess and starts of in English …… Oh Man! ,,, You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don t you have any regard For the traffic rules in this country … etc.. etc..
Santa turns around, looks at the Gori Mem, and Starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk Pace.
“To the Principal, Government High secondary school, Village Noorpur, Post Office Noorpur, Tehsil Jalandhar, District Jalandhar, Punjab, India. Sir … I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday, and my Phamily doctor has recomended bed rest! …. Please grant me two days sick leave. Yours Obediently …. Santa.”
The Gori is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa, and quitely gets into her car and leaves.
Banta is amazed. He runs up to Santa and says “Oye Santa, tu taan phate chak dite”! Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke” (You put that gori back in her place, your English sounds better than hers)
Santa Shrugs off Banta and says: “oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin, je jaada tain tain kardi na …. mainu Thirsty Crow te Greedy Daag Dono aande se dono suna dene se” (that was only a sample, if she would have stuck around I would have recited thirsty crow and Greedy dog for her as well).
Landing Problem
Once Santa and Banta try to land an airplane in the States. They start descending and as they touch the ground Santa screams, the runway is ending…”.
Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air… They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Santa screams again “Get the plane up, the runaway is ending…”.
Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air… They make a big turn and start descending again… This goes on again and again…
During their fourth descent Santa says : “Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..”,
“I know” answers Banta, “But look how wide they made it….”
Alive or Dead
Banta and Santa were working on a roof, when Banta slipped and fell to the ground. Santa leaned over and called out:
“Are you dead or alive, Banta?”
“Alive,” moaned Banta.
“You are a liar. I donot know whether to believe you or not,” said Santa
“Then I must be dead,” said Banta, “because you wouldn't dare call me a liar if I were alive.”
Santa in Archery Contest
Once upon a time there was an archery contest.
The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position…
He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow, which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM…… ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!
The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow, which hits the center and cuts Robin Hood’s arrow into two!!!
He takes off his cape and screams: I AM…… WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!
Finally our Santa in cape lines up in position… He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM…… SORRY!
Political Jokes Page 3
Bribe
A Politician was arrested for accepting a bribe from a contractor. A friend who went to visit him in the lock-up asked, “How are you going to get out of this mess?”
The Politician replied calmly, “I got into trouble for accepting a bribe; I`ll get out of it by bribing the person concerned.”
Safe Guns
Robert Shovestall, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, CA, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger.
Shovestall`s wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband`s 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate to her they were safe.
Dead man in jail
A man was sentenced last week to two years in prison for faking his death three times to beat drunk driving charges.
Peter C. Gentry was first arrested in 1991, but an official looking death certificate sent to authorities said he had died in a Los Angeles auto crash, and the case was dismissed.
In 1994, he was arrested again and sent in another death certificate.
A year later, Gentry was again arrested and supposedly died this time of “denzor hemorrhagic fever” in Africa.
There is no such disease.
Baby Food for Whom?
More and more baby food is being consumed by adults. Ten percent of the production of major German baby food manufacturer is sold to households without children. People of all ages and from all walks of life love milk pudding and stewed fruit prepared for babies.
Since a serving may have only 100 calories, many weight-conscious adults choose baby food for a snack. Manufacturers cater to the trend by recommending their products for “Young and old” and by providing recipes that include their products.
The German Nutrition Society, however, is not happy about the trend. According to its spokeswoman Anette Braun, grown-ups do not need such specially prepared foods unless they are sick. they should chew their food. “After all, that is why we have teeth.”
I demand a recounting
There was a political leader who was on the verge of being defeated in the elections. When he received a phone call saying that his wife had delivered triplets, he exclaimed: “Oh! I demand a recounting.”
Doctor Jokes Page 2
Some bad news and some terrible news
A man got a call from his doctor who said “I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?”
The man says “The bad news.”
The doctor says “The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!”
The man exclaimed “What could be more terrible than that!!??”
The doctor replied “we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!”
Hearing Problem
A man told his doctor, “I don`t think my wife`s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn`t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you.”
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, “What`s for dinner, honey?”
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what`s for dinner tonight?”
“FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID PURI-SABJI, You`d better get your hearing checked!”
Following Your Order
Doctor: “I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?”
Patient:” I was just following your orders, doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Memory Improvement
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,
“Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was really great.”
“That is great! And what was the name of the clinic? I would like to join it.”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but could not remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that`s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
Doctor Jokes Page 1
Prescription
Appendix
Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
“Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. “I will come in the morning.”
The man protested, “But doctor, my wife is really serious.”
The doctor replied, “I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another.”
The caller protested, “That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!”
Emergency Call
“Hurry!” the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, “Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately.”
“Papa, that call was not for you but for me,” replied the girl saucily.
Constipation
An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”
Don't be Nervous
This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
First Visit
A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.
“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. One thousand rupees for the first visit, and one hundred rupees for each one after that.”
The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, “I’m back!”
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”
Night Call
A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”
Appendix
Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
“Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. “I will come in the morning.”
The man protested, “But doctor, my wife is really serious.”
The doctor replied, “I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another.”
The caller protested, “That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!”
Emergency Call
“Hurry!” the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, “Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately.”
“Papa, that call was not for you but for me,” replied the girl saucily.
Constipation
An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”
Don't be Nervous
This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
First Visit
A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.
“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. One thousand rupees for the first visit, and one hundred rupees for each one after that.”
The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, “I’m back!”
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”
Night Call
A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked.
He says to his wife, “I’m going to have to call a plumber.”
The wife replies, “You can’t call a plumber out at three in the morning!”
He says, “Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me.”
Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night.
The Doctor says the same thing, “I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients, why shouldn’t you?”
At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet.
The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor, “If there’s no change, call me in the morning!”
Monday, December 1, 2008
Sardar Jokes page 9
Logic Behind Logic
Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail: Oh, logic is easy.
Buta: Please, give me an example.
Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta: NO, I don't.
Zail: Saala HOMO!!!
Sardar Jokes Page 8
Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail: Oh, logic is easy.
Buta: Please, give me an example.
Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta: NO, I don't.
Zail: Saala HOMO!!!
Sardar Jokes Page 8
Sardar Jokes Page 8
Bhagwan and Banta!
Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray……….. “Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Banta goes back to the temple…………….. “Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”. Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple……….. “My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???”.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Banta is confronted by the voice of Lord “BANTA, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST”.
Cricketers!
Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the Cricket life in heaven.
Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him.
He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.
“So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?”
Santa replied, “Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night match here in heaven.”
“And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow’s match!”
Santa Goes to heaven
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Two Horses
Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses.So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.While doing so,an enemy of Santa looks at him.This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta.By doing so santa and banta come in confusion to differenciate. So, next thing santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear , then his tail , then makes him blind and so on .And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse.At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only .The enemy also went and cut banta's horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to diffrenciate thier horses.So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to thier mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white .
Santa Banta and Tunnel
.......... Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France. Before it's construction, the tenders were invited from various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world. Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singh's tender at it's very lowest. Other tenders were quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds. Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract. Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget. Banta Singh said,"look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel." The dumbstruck officer asked with courage," and if you don't meet?" Banta Singh replied," then you will get two tunnels in same cost."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
SMS Jokes 1 - LOVE
Your SMILE
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
WHO YOU ARE
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
TRULY LOVE
It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don't ever let go.
CHER|SH...
Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won't know how important they are until they are out of your life...
I'M STILL ALIVE...
TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...
IN LOVE WITH YOU
It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.
POEM OR RHYME?
Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...
2NITE WITH ME
A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh... A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT... WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???
LOVE YOU
Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy 'I LoVe U' to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u'll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love...
TRUE LOVE
True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
FRIENDS 4 LIFE
Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!
FIRST SIGHT
FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~
VALUE OF LOVE
LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...
STILL LOVING U
i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...
NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO
Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!
LOVE IS SO CONFUSING
Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?
☻ REALITY
Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.
☻WHY IS HE NOT MINE...
wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...
☻ NOT TOO YOUNG
No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.
☻ I FOUND U
Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.
☻ IT HURTS
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.
☻ FORGET YOU
It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.
☻ FALL IN LOVE
People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again
☻ LOVE IS TO THINK
Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.
☻IN LOVE WITH YOU
There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.
☻: SOMEONE ELSE
The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.
☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
☻ HEART TO CIRCLE
Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.
☻: WHO
I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not
☻ TRY TO FORGET
Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
☻ ADVICE ON LIVING
Dance like no one's watching; sing like no one's listening; love like you can't get hurt, and live like there's no tomorrow.
☻ QUICKSAND
LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.
☻ IN MY ARMS
You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
☻ WHAT IS TRUE
There's a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I know, wat's simple is true, I love you.
☻ FLAME OF YOURS
I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!
☻ If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.
☻you can't buy Love... but you can pay heavily.
☻Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!
☻Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.
☻You need Money to call someone Honey.
☻My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.
☻We can see more Grafitti's in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.
☻Definitions :
Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.
Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.
LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy
WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
WHO YOU ARE
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
TRULY LOVE
It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don't ever let go.
CHER|SH...
Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won't know how important they are until they are out of your life...
I'M STILL ALIVE...
TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...
IN LOVE WITH YOU
It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.
POEM OR RHYME?
Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...
2NITE WITH ME
A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh... A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT... WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???
LOVE YOU
Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy 'I LoVe U' to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u'll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love...
TRUE LOVE
True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
FRIENDS 4 LIFE
Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!
FIRST SIGHT
FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~
VALUE OF LOVE
LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...
STILL LOVING U
i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...
NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO
Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!
LOVE IS SO CONFUSING
Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?
☻ REALITY
Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.
☻WHY IS HE NOT MINE...
wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...
☻ NOT TOO YOUNG
No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.
☻ I FOUND U
Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.
☻ IT HURTS
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.
☻ FORGET YOU
It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.
☻ FALL IN LOVE
People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again
☻ LOVE IS TO THINK
Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.
☻IN LOVE WITH YOU
There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.
☻: SOMEONE ELSE
The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.
☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
☻ HEART TO CIRCLE
Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.
☻: WHO
I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not
☻ TRY TO FORGET
Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
☻ ADVICE ON LIVING
Dance like no one's watching; sing like no one's listening; love like you can't get hurt, and live like there's no tomorrow.
☻ QUICKSAND
LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.
☻ IN MY ARMS
You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
☻ WHAT IS TRUE
There's a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I know, wat's simple is true, I love you.
☻ FLAME OF YOURS
I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!
☻ If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.
☻you can't buy Love... but you can pay heavily.
☻Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!
☻Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.
☻You need Money to call someone Honey.
☻My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.
☻We can see more Grafitti's in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.
☻Definitions :
Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.
Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.
LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy
WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever
Computer Jokes Page 4
Upgrading Bill Gate's Hell
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.
"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."
Celebrity Jokes Page 1
Wisdom Of Supermodels
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista
ON THOUGHT
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-Linda Evangelista
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista
ON THOUGHT
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-Linda Evangelista
Computer jokes page 3
Bill Gates And Contractor
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Bill Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
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