Funny Helpline Conversation

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. After this conversation , Help desk Operator was fired!! In turn, he has sued the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (After reading this you can guess why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -  it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Santa Jokes 3

Santa Banta on Double Decker Bus

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. 

He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"

Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

Chandigarh Or Jalandhar

Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the

sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the captain what he told to the sardarji.

 Captain replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

Santa in Temple

Santa went to temple & saw people puting coin in box & praying
Santa: Wow! How amazing. People are talking to God through coin phone without receiver.

Beans

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then a Little Santa spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Funny Call Center Conversations

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".


Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

 

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"


Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".



Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".


Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Software Engineer and His Wife

Husband - Hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - Hard disk full.

Wife - Have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - But I told you about it in morning
Husband - Erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - Oh My God !Forget that!! Where's your salary?
Husband - File in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - Sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - Data type mismatch.

Wife - You are useless.
Husband - By default.

Wife - Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - System unstable press Ctrl, Alt, Del to Reboot.

Wife - What is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - The only user with write permission.

Wife - What is my value in your life?
Husband - Unknown virus detected.

Wife - Do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - Program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - Close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - It is worthless talking to you.
Husband - Shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Santa Jokes 2

In an African Safari,A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE-Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA-Yes Yes.I'm changing d battery of my camera..


A man to Santa:
Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.
Santa rushes home and came back within
half an hour and slapped the man
and said:
"He's not my friend."


Santa:
Major Rohail told me T.V cabel is not good for kids,
they don't study,so i got rid of it

Banta: Good?
Santa: Now we have a Dish Installed


A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell,
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies,
I'm coming daily since 4 days,
I press the bell but no one comes out.


Santa cuts sides of the capsule
before taking it?
Guess why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To avoid the side effects!


Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him.
Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?
Because the bank's slogan was:
We make your dreams come true...


Pappu while filling up a form:
What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!

Santa Jokes

An englishman and santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where..


After an accident, a very angry driver says: I showed you the headlights and told you to move to the side, right?
Santa: I also started the wipers and said No... No... No


Teacher: If I saw a man beating a dog and stopped him then what virtue would i be showing?
Santa: Brotherly love.


Santa: Knock Knock!
Banta: Who's there?
Santa: Luke
Banta: Luck who?
Santa: 'Luke' through the key hole and you'll know who?


Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!


Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa You'll die.
Santa: You'll die bcoz haven’t u heard train is coming on platform.


Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.


Santa giving exam while standing at the door.
A man asked "Why are you standing at the door?"
Santa: "Idiot, I am giving entrance test."

Funny SMS Jokes Page 1

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World's Smallest resignation letter?
Respected sir,
I love ur wife.


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A girl says to her boyfriend, One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy says thanks for the warning!

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Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!


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Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.


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Dad to Son : When I beat u how do u control your anger.
son: I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean with ur tooth brush.


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Dying husband: I have something to tell you. Wife: Don't speak, just rest. 
Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you.


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Husband asks, do u know the meaning of wife.
It means... - without - information - fighting - everytime!
Wife on hearng this says, it could also mean - with idiot for ever!

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Whats the difference between Data and Information?
362436 - Data
36-24-36 Information!..

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KISS is purely organic and naturally sweet, has no artificial ingredients and is 100% wholesome...Here's one for you...MMWAAAH! Have a nice day!


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I love 3 things! The sun, the Moon and U! The Sun for the Day, the Moon for the night, and You forever!

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Thought for the night: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain and that's where you get shitty ideas. Have a nice fart!


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Never ignore kids

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."



The way to reach Heaven

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa..

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny

Only One Job Left

An mexican man goes to the job centre looking for a job… ” We’ve only one job. It’s at Billy Smarts Circus as a lion tamer”  woman said at the job centre.


“I can’t do that” says Paddy “It’s easy, just go down there and Billy will take you through it” woman replied…
So , the next day Paddy goes down to the circus, go in the cage and Billy will takes Paddy through step-by-step. Three enourmous lions come towards Paddy… “Crack the whip” Billy says “Crack the whip” So Paddy cracks it and they continue approaching. “Hurray ..what do I do” “Crack it twice, That always works” So he cracks it twice. Lions continue coming… Paddy instructs ” Go in the corner and pick up th sh*t” “Where, There is none” paddy replies “There will be” Replied Billy.


Most Hazardous Section in Hospital


A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Top 20 Funny Oneliners

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.   
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.   
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..   
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.    
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.   
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?    
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.    
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.        
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.    
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.   
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.   
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.        
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.   
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.    
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Resolutions You Would be Tempted to Keep

For those who are scared of making resolutions here are some resolutions they would actually be tempted to keep!!

• Spend more time watching TV / movies.
• Chat more over phone / Internet.
• Read less.
• I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more less time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

Funny New Year Resolutions

Check out these funny and innovative New Year's Resolutions! Enjoy these and make some for yourself...Surely you will enjoy!!

• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  
  
• I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  
  
• I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
  
  
• I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  
  
• I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
  
  
• Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  
  
• I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
  
  
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
  
  
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  
  
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  
  
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  
  
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
  
  
• I will think of a password other than "password."
  
  
• I will not tell the same story at every get together.
  
  
• I won't worry so much.
  
  
• I will cut my hair.
  
  
• I will grow my hair.
  
  
• I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
  
  
• I will be more imaginative.
  
  
• I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
  
  
• I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

New Year Jokes

Quit smoking
A friend asks his friend for a cigarette.
His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking".
The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.
What's phase one?
I've quit buying.



New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.  During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.  He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'  He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

A New Year Dream

Aishwarya was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Abhishek, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Abhishek smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Abhishek approached Aishwarya and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

13 Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Male Female

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

 

"Hunting flies," He responded. 

"Oh, killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? 

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

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A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

”I think you're bad luck."


*************************
 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"

From the Late Show with David Letterman

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask

Clever Daughter

A person's daughter took admission in a college and was to live in a co-ed dormitory. The person was very worried and warned her daughter that she would die if she ever found out that her daughter had male visitors in her room.

One Friday night, the person kept on calling her daughter's dormitory. She was not there. The person got worried. Finally at 1 o'clock she got hold of her daughter and asked angrily, 'Where were you?'

'Mom, I was visiting a boy's room, so that his mother dies and not you.'

Dream Girl

A young man finds his dream girl and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'
The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'
'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'